Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I WILL .......... be back

I have not been in bloggyville for quite some time now. Circumstances in my life led me down a path which I have still not quite recovered from.

It seems that every year around my birthday I feel the shift of energy overcoming my life. I realize the need to "clean house" within and normally it isn't as complex a process as it has seemed this year. The actual birthday came and went without much (if any) hoopla but the life-changing events started pre-birthday and still haven't ended.

I feel the weight of this on my soul. I feel the ache of this on my heart. I understand the need to move forward and wish to do so. But there seem to be so many loose ends which are still fraying beyond my control. I've always been a very *in-control* person- everything has it's place, every idea needs a plan of attack and with those, I'm able to rest easier. I've never been one of the belief that everything will work itself out with no help. I've never believed that regardless of what I do, I will have what I need when I need it. I was raised to be a realist. It may not have been the intent of my parents to raise me as such but living the childhood I lived, I am a realist. I don't have pipedreams. I don't tend to see the silver lining of the cloud. I don't believe in la-la land. I do find myself worrying much more at times than I probably should but this is a characteristic of being a realist.

I'm not saying I don't have dreams. I definitely have dreams. Do I hope my dreams are someday realized? Of course I do. Do I believe my dreams will be realized at some point? Maybe. Do I feel it necessary to pursue those dreams in order to be whole? Hell no. Yes, my dreams are numerous. But I'm a realist. My needs are few. And those needs are centered around my children. If not for my children, my needs would be even less. And my wants? I honestly don't have those any more. With the exception being that I WANT my needs for my family realized. And fulfilled.

So while I am swimming in this sea of multiple changes, I have failed to blog. At all. About anything. I am a writer. A poet. An inward thinker. A blogger at heart. But I, too, am a loner. An only child. Not an introvert. But a very private person. So for those of you who might have occasionally stumbled upon my blog, I will return. Hopefully more "whole" than I am at this point. Hopefully after Christmas, I can focus more on my checklist of personal items that will help me heal....

2 comments:

Kat said...

I have been thinking about you...and I am glad that you piped up. I'll be thinking about you...I hope everything is okay...or at least working towards resolution.

Shannon said...

I had wondered where were...

And I'll be here when you get back...